Why The State Sucks: A Parable

Howdy folks! It has been a long time since I last posted here. I am currently busy with some stuff offline but I thought I would drop a gem that my friend Ken sent to me. First a little preamble rant and then a parable. See if you can figure out what each character represents:

It never ceases to amaze me how no one learned anything from the Revolutionary War.  If anything, it should have taught the colonists that no matter how much you try to control the State (let’s recall the Magna Carta), it will always break free from its chains and misbehave, AND try to justify it.  Why is it that the colonists took one form of abuse, being ruled by a monarch through absolute fiat, and replaced it with another, being ruled by an entity consisting of people THEY chose?  How is it that CONSENTING to that abuse justifies it?

Why is it that no one ponders how a LOT of things done by the State would be CRIMES if committed by individuals?  If you or I tried to collect “taxes” from others through coercion, we’d be charged with extortion and racketeering.  If you or I tried to create our own “Social Security” system, we’d be charged with running an illegal Ponzi Scheme.  If you or I tried to gain the compliance of others through injuring and killing them through “war,” we’d be branded as psychopaths and murderers.  How is it that these actions, when committed by an entity known as “government,” somehow become “moral” and “justified” because we CHOSE these scums to make these decisions for us and delegated those responsibilities to them?  Does that not make us RESPONSIBLE for their actions?

Voting does not grant magical powers to the State when it commits actions that would be considered improper when committed by individuals.  When will people realize this?


A group of friends, who all live together as roommates, are hanging out and decide to eat at a fast food restaurant.  When they arrive, the following conversation ensues…

John:  Well guys, we’re here.  What’ll we be having?

Mike:  I was thinking about trying one of those bacon cheddar mushroom melts.  They look pretty good on TV.

Jessie:  Cool!  I’ve been dying to try one of those too!

Chris:  Uhhh…  I just want a plain hamburger.

John:  Ok, let’s take a vote!  Who wants a melt?

The other three raise their hands to show their choice.  Chris, for obvious reasons, doesn’t.

John:  So it’s decided.  We’re ALL getting melts.

Chris:  But I said I just wanted a hamburger!

John:  Huh?  What’re you talking about?  We all took a vote on it and decided on melts.  That’s what you’re getting.

Mike:  What the hell is your problem, anyway? 

Jessie:  Yeah, why are you being so selfish?

Chris:  Jesus, is it WRONG for me to want something different than you guys?

They all give Chris a dirty look and walk up to the counter.

John:  Hi, four bacon cheddar mushroom melts please.


John grimaces and flashes Chris an angry stare.

John:  Okay…  Make that THREE melts.

Chris:  And a hamburger, please.

Mike:  Dude, we voted on melts.  You can have a melt or nothing.

Chris:  What the hell?  Why are you forcing me to choose between something I DON’T WANT or nothing?  I’m starving!

Jessie:  We voted on it!  That’s why!  What’s up with you?  You don’t like us any more?

Chris:  No!  It’s not that at all!  I just want a hamburger.

Mike:  If you don’t like hanging with us, maybe you should move out.

Chris just looks down and shakes his head, not wanting to alienate himself from his friends.

Cashier:  That’ll be $8.00 please.

John:  Okay guys, each of you give me $2.00 for the melts.

Chris:  Huh?  Why do I have to pay even though I’m not getting anything?

John:  Because you have to pay your fair share.  That’s why.

Chris:  Wait…  You want me to pay for something I didn’t ask for, but you wanted?

John:  That’s the price you gotta pay to hang out with and live with us.

Chris:  You mean to tell me that if I wanna be friends with you guys, I have to chip in towards something I don’t benefit from?

Mike:  Yeah, dumbass.  What are you?  A moocher?

Jessie:  I can’t believe you’re so selfish, Chris.

Chris:  This is retarded!  I’m not paying for something that I don’t want and won’t benefit from!

John turns and looks at Chris with a dead serious face.

John:  Ok, Chris.  But you know what this means, right?

Chris:  No, I don’t.  What DOES this mean, because you’re confusing the Hell out of me.

John:  Since you’re not gonna pay your fair share, we’re gonna have to confiscate your stuff to compensate for it.

Chris:  WHAT?!?

Mike cracks his knuckles and chortles.

Mike:  Hehe…  Yup, and we’re gonna lock you in the basement too until you learn to pay your fair share.

Chris:  I can’t believe this!  I thought you were my friends!

Jessie:  We ARE your friends, but you’re the one who’s making yourself our enemy.

Chris:  No!  This is stupid!  I won’t do it!  And you aren’t touching my stuff!  You’ll pry it from my cold dead fingers!

Mike looks at John, John nods, and then turns his head, draws a gun, and points it at Chris.

Chris:  What the…?  Jesus Christ!  What are you doing?!?  Put that away!

John:  Sorry we have to do this, buddy, but it’s the only way you’re gonna cooperate…

Mike:  Yeah, gotta gain your compliance.

Jessie:  It’s for your own good, hun.

Chris:  What the Hell?!?  It’s just a stupid hamburger!  What did I do wrong?!?  I’m not forcing you guys to eat hamburgers!  You guys can have whatever you want!  Why are you forcing me to choose between what you want and nothing?!?  Isn’t there an alternative to this?

Mike:  Yeah, you can pay your fair share or move the fuck out.  Otherwise, we’re gonna punish you for bein’ a freeloader.

Chris:  So lemme get this straight…  I’m a freeloader because I’m not paying for something I don’t want, but you do?

Jessie:  That’s what makes us so great!  If we didn’t do that, we’d be living in a shithole and probably be fighting all the time.

Chris:  You’re insane…

John:  No, Chris.  You’re part of the problem, and your selfishness plays a big role in that.

Mike:  Fucking mooch…  Taking advantage of us all this time…  You make me SICK!  I’m gonna LOVE throwing your sorry ass down the cellar…

John:  When you started hanging out with and living with us, you agreed to this.

Chris:  I would’ve never agreed to this if I knew you were going to pull off shit like this!

Jessie:  Well, what are you gonna do instead?  Move to the wilderness all by yourself?  Live like a caveman?

John:  No man is an island, Chris.  This is the price you pay for the privilege of living with us.

Chris:  So this is the price I gotta pay to live a NORMAL life?

John:  Yes, Chris.  That’s exactly what I’m telling you.  Why are you fighting us?  We’re only looking out for your best interests.

Chris:  That’s just WRONG!

Jessie:  We’re sorry you feel that way, hun.

Mike:  John, let’s just lock this skid mark up until he learns his lesson!

John:  I’m afraid there’s no other choice…  I’m sorry, Chris, but you brought this upon yourself.  Please understand, we’re here to protect you.  This is the only way you’re going to learn.

Chris just sobs as he gets dragged away by Mike.  Later, the three confiscate his belongings as they said and sell them, even though they’re worth far more than the two dollars he “owed” them. 

Now, as goofy as this parable is, can someone show me how this is any different than what the State does to those who don’t “cooperate” with them?


2 comments so far

  1. Aaron Kinney on

    This is the BOMB! What an excellent parable!

    And Ill have a bacon chedder mushroom melt, please… paid for with YOUR money 😀

  2. FraudWasteAbuse on

    Good story. I think it would be a more apt representative of government if one guy wanted a hamburger and all the other guys all had to pitch in to pay for it. Or none of them wanted a hamburger but they all still had to pay because the restaurant was providing a service.

    I also agree with your point that the state gives itself permission to do things in a group that would be criminal if done by an individual.

    I’ll be reading more of your blog in the future.

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